Band is faltering - Stay, Leave, or Split Attention?

Lounge
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I’m in a band. It’s been fun, but things look like they’re unraveling.

I’m debating whether to tough things out, or to start looking for something else.

It’s been a power trio with me doing bass and vocals. I’m fine with this, but it greatly limits the songs we can play, and it’s tough to find songs where I can pull double duty, and we all three of us enjoy them.

Now… the drummer’s dad is dying of cancer. Probably has months to live. We’re going to break for a month, and he says he’d like to start playing after that. But I think it’s going to be a while before he’s really up for playing again.

Guitarist and I are figuring things out. Are planning to hit open mics and karaoke nights to maybe find a singer. That would open up a lot of options, but I think the drummer is still more narrow in his interests than the rest of us. He doesn’t want to play “boring” songs.

I’d like to play more variety of music. I’d like to play some jazz, R&B, and/or Hip Hop.

Seeing an ad on Craigslist for a band looking to do Hip Hop/Funk/R&B. Not sure if I should reach out, or just chill out and bide my time.

Also signed up for local community college and looking to likely to a Jazz band there next semester.

Looking for thoughts and ideas on how to navigate this.

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There’s no rule that says you can only be in 1 band at a time. I’d answer the ad. Keep playing with the guitarist if you’re enjoying it while you look for a singer (and possibly another drummer) and keep doing the open mic nights to keep things fun with him / them.

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Yes, like @faydout said: the times when you had to swear allegiance to your one and only forever and ever band where when we were 17… Nobody should tell you whether you can play in a second or third band (Ok, well… maybe your wife :laughing: )

All bands have these dynamics. But, unless alcohol or drugs are involved, I found that we are actually better to work out these issues now that we are more mature (and mellow).

I’d take the break, let everyone feel how much they miss making music, but otherwise keep my eyes open for other possibilities. And, again, none of these needs to be exclusive!

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Messaged the Hip-Hop/Funk/R&B person. We’ll see what they even say. It may be a total non-starter.

I am self conscious, because my slap skills are really weak. I do not have the chops to play really fancy and intricate Funk lines.

However, I know I’ve got really good feel and timing to add swagger to Hip-Hop or R&B.

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My thoughts are with and of your drummer….

He says he’d like to play after that (the “after that” meaning post mortem?)
But, you think it’s going to be a while… It sounds as if you are assuming his feelings. He may really NEED music and to keep playing it after dad passes. I would really have a heart- to- heart with him to truly understand what will help him to deal the death of a parent.

It took me decades to deal with my mother’s passing. I was a teenager in boot camp when she died. I came home, in uniform, for this ritual called a funeral. I stood there with many aunts and uncles, some of whom along with my father, were WWII veterans. I felt them looking at me in my Dress Greens standing tall and proud when I should have been in my civies and commiserating with my family. Do you think I would let myself shed a tear with battle hardened veterans looking up to me?
After the leave, I was thrown back into my tour having never wept nor dealt with it … UNTIL I was able to let it creep back into my psyche years and decades later after I was discharged.

Where am I going with this… your drummer may NEED to play music to allow him time to go through the grieving process. You may want to encourage him to keep playing, even if not with you or your current band however faltering it may be. If he stops playing, even for a short time, it could be a disruption of his “norm.” That norm being playing music and the normal time process of grieving… grieving with his blood family and his band family.

I am not a drummer, but playing the skins could be a way for him to channel his thoughts of his father by expressing the anger (stronger beats?), the love and tenderness (softer sticks?)… channeling his emotions during this time might even make him a better drummer.

I channeled my anger of my mother’s death in the worst possible wrong ways by turning me into a more hardened Marine (and person) with no feelings for myself or any other person. It took me decades to come down from that “level” to realize I am not that angry person that I once was. Thank God I never saw battle… I would be either dead or highly decorated had I survived.

I guess the moral of the story is … go through death in a productive or constructive way: music, art, athletics or even one’s job or work. The worst way to deal with death is being a position whose job requirements are to kill and break things because that anger get multiplied several times over.

(thank you for letting me express myself… hopefully for the better with respect to your drummer… and for me because every time I express myself it turns me a little more into the human that I should have been had I not signed on the dotted line when I was 19.)

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He’s already playing in another band that is gigging.

I think what he wants is to play in a band where there is clear leadership and someone tells him, “Play this,” and he can just do that. Which this other band gives him.

Whereas the guitarist and I are probably trying to be more collaboratively creative trying out ideas, and I don’t think that interests him.

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Hmm, I can kinda understand that - I’m not desperately creative, so it’s far more comfortable for me if someone else simply says “we’re playing this”.

However maybe it’s a question of re-framing your creativity for your drummer pal? You could basically tell him what drum rhythm he needs to play, to fit with what you want to noodle around with, and then just riff on top of that? That might satisfy their preference to be told “play this” whilst still giving yourself and the guitarist the freedom to create.

Phil

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We’re going to figure it out. There are a lot of variables involved.

Last practice, I noticed his playing was getting uncoordinated and sloppy, and it was clearly frustrating him. The same things happens to me when I’m emotionally drained. I suddenly can’t keep even rhythms that are normally muscle memory for me. Then I get extra frustrated by not having the outlet of practicing music the way I want to mentally recharge myself.

I have to massively adapt what I play and how to fit my mood. (Go to smooth, slow, emotive stuff on fretless.)

I don’t think he has quite that same self awareness that I do. He’s also not proactive about communicating what he needs us to do to adapt to him. So we’re just guessing.

I think for him to have fun playing with us while he’s under this emotional strain, we need to play songs that are going to be most fun for him. But there are several problems:

  1. He’s not good at communicating what those are
  2. The ones he has, the guitarist is mostly meh about
  3. And/or they’re too complex for me to sing and play bass

If we add a vocalist that solves some things. But we’d really need a dedicated vocalist and a keyboard player to do songs that everyone is going to have fun with.

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Ah that is tricky, particularly if he’s not the best communicator - and personal circumstances aren’t going to help that any either :pensive_face:

I sing, but can’t even contemplate playing bass at the same time with my current level of playing, so that’s got to be really difficult to manage. What are the chances of finding a singer and keyboard player? It sounds like finding them would sort things out nicely :smile: Failing that, is it worth having a proper sit-down conversation between the three of you, running through all these things, and seeing if you can plot a path out of them?

Phil

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I have been singing and playing. But the songs I’ve been able to do that on are like - The Cult, REM, maybe the Cure. Stuff that’s mostly a lot of chugging roots and fifths.

I spent the past 6 months trying to recruit someone and got burned out. I’ve also been dealing with my own emotional stuff, and can’t take the lead on that anymore.

Guitarist and I are planning to hit some open mics and/or karaoke nights to see if we can find a potential singer. Keyboard is going to be a lot harder.

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I’m definitely going to look into being in a second project that lets me play the music I’m more interested in building skills: R&B, Hip-Hop, Jazz, and/or Funk. Which I know I’m not going to do with this group.

I’ve got limited time/energy, but since I’m not playing D&D anymore, that time can be used for a second band.

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Sorry to hear that mate :pensive_face:

Sounds like a plan :+1: I hope it works out well for you :smile:

Phil

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