I know I shouldn’t laugh… but I did
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You should laugh your ass off, it is Funny AF!!!
Wait, who said that? what is going on here? A pocket in time? Space time continuum, The Flux Capacitor?
What is this Madness???
Well, it is madness, and I owe you all an explanation. You will find it id kind of infuriating, and very frusterating, and somewhat humiliating, or humbling or an exercise in patients, and many other things, but after many many many Dead Ends and Road Blocks and Snipe Hunts I went on to find the Snipe at a dead end road block.
So, I will tell the story to you all.
Go get a comfortable chair, a glass of bottle or a squeeze pouch or box of your favorite bverage, I will take a dole pineapple juice box myself.
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Ok
Again, I got out of the Hospital on 10-20-20, and started looking for detoxes on 10-21-20, and was told this was going to be easy task, there were places lined up to take me in.
First, it was Tarzana recovery, they would take me.
Ok, cool.
then it is an insurance juggle, and I hd to change my Medical to a different group that used Tarzana, and wait a month, so that was pretty much the month of November I waited.
The month of november I was sick every day, I could not eat, I could not sleep, I could barely drink water. I woke up every morning dry heaving my way to the bathroom trying to hold back any stomach fluid or spit that might come up, but there was none, it was DUST. I was bone dry, more dry then I have ever been in my life.
So I would drink water from the running faucet until I had enough in me to throw it back up, and I did this 3 or 4 times before I could actually open a bottle of water and drink it down and hold it down.
Then I had to get up, get the medical lyft ride (its a thing, and free to me) and take it to the methadone clinic and get my 60mg dose. This place was depressing as anything I have ever seen. so many homeless, prostitutes, and then moms and dads with small kids, all there to get the morning dose.
YES, that is wherre the Hospital sent me, they gave me paperwork about it and 4 others in the area, but that was closest. I was so depressed, so physically and mentally ill, my anxiety was thru the rough, I was praying to get Covid and have the off chance it would kill me in the state I was in.
It was horrible.
But I had that one glimmer at the end of the tunnel, Dec 5, the insurance will be changed, we can call Tarzana (me and my cousin and my case manager, the team I got working for me now, doing all sorts of really good tings for me medically and financially.) get on the phone, and I am answering questions about how shitty I feel and depression, anxiety, thru the roof, can’t sleep, can’t eat or drink. all that fluff, and they kept saying
OK we got a nice place for you, we get you some comfort meds in you and will take good care of you thru this medical detox (I haeve had them before, I know exactly what to expect from a super nice upscae, takes PPO insurance detox and rehab places, but state funded ones, I don’’‘t know and as far as I can tell from my few hours there, “I am going to the Ghetto, In the Ghetto”
Back on topic, they are all ready to do everything just short of actually giveme a body massage.
then its on to the phone intake, and they askk about my drug history, we go thru all of it, I mean all of is
4 hours later they said, what are you on right now
I said Methadone, and I want off it more then anything in the world right now.
Ok, we can get you that, just tell me, what dose of Methadone do you take.
“60mg 1 time a day”
After the two girls on the other end of the line wisper for a moment, they pretty much, as tho we had a number and was at the window and there was somebody behind us with the next number…
they go
"We can’t help you, sorry’. “NEXT NUMBER, NEXT NUMBER PLEASE”
So I am sitting there like I just got hit by a ton of bricks, going WTF just happened. and they said, sorry but you will have to get down to 40mg a day or under, we can’t do any detox for methadone above 40mg.
"Sorry, you will have to come back when you are at 40.
Ok, that was beginning of December, next one says they are gonna take me, but they are in Orange County, insurance has to change a gain, so Jan 1 2021, back at it.
I get refered to this place, then this place, then that place, then back to Tarzana, who actually will do me at 60mg (my mistake, it was REDGATE that wouldn’t, that was the first one was all REDGATE, not TARZANA) and Tarzana is now referring us back to Cal Optima office in Orange county to go and tell tem what is going on, and ask that they write a inter county transfer so that I can go to Tarzana.
of course, I hve been told this is failsafe, this is it, this is gonna be the one that makes it so they take you and this is gonna be the one that gives you a ife worth living.
And I get to the window, they called my ticket number 31. #30 just left, so did #32, 33 and 34. it was just me.
I tell her what I want, and she says “What”
yeah, I tell her again and she says “What”, Who told you you could get that done here, yeah, we don’t do that.
"Redgate told us, or Tarzana told us, this is the office they work with, and whe they tell people to go here, it gets done.
Um, what is it you want to do again.
I want to get off the methadone.
Why don’t you go to our clinic and have them you lower your dose.
Cuz i can never see the DR there. Monday he is there for 3 hours, there is a line around the building or people waiting in their cars (which I am not driving to take methadone) and there is nowhrere to sit but the dirty ass asphault, and I could paing you a picture, but you probably won’t want one.
Ok, just a little one to give you a hint, use your imagination. Orange caps, foil, burnt out lighters, little round plastic bag pieces with browns stuff on it, and a couple opened, fut the whole orange cap outfit was there.
And down the street, those ones that left that mess are doing it again in another little group, but cooking with matches, the lighters ran out, and shooting and puking right there.
Now, I know how to have a good time like they do too, but I do it inside with clean bottled water in clean utensils, and keep thing very clean. Well, now I don’t do anything, just saying, NVM
picture painted, and it is depressing.
Yeah, thats not an option, and this place that was a shoe in to get me transferred into LA county to go to Tarzana was trying to send me back to the place I was at, nothing else.
And next place is a dead end, and next place is a dead end. the only place that had hope was one that I needed to be taking 20mg less a day, so I started my taper in Jan1. From 60mg, I am now at 35mg, so I have dropped almost 1/2 way, but now I am under the 40mg, so thats good right.
Just need the county transfer so I can go to Redgate.
Two weeks trying to make that happened and
I get a call on Monday saying I was going to Phoenix House on Wednesday morning.
Ok, I lugged a bass back pack, a stuffed backback and a lawn bag with heavy blankets and whatever weird things they told me to bring, and for me and my knees, walking that out to the front of my apartment where the taxi picks me up, is a journey and a half.
Then I get there and it is a journey and a half walking the maze to get to the intake room with all my stuff.
And after hours of paperwork and filling out forme and insurance and history and all that stuff, the nurse comes up to me and pulls me aside and says, I have to ask you about an answer you put down.
“for your methadone, you put down 35 mg, is that your daily dose”
I said yes
She said, we have a max of 30mg here. I told her, I was told it was 40, and she said, no not in orange county it-is 30mg. I asked why and she said soyou don’t go into reciprocated withdrawals.
remember those fun things I told you about up there. I told her that makes no sense, she said do you want to see the rules. I said no, but it is not a sensible rule. there is no magic number or time for when you take suboxone to NOT GO INTO RECIPROCATED WITHDRAWAL. and that is don’t take it until you are really withdrawing, not the mind withdraw that hits about 8 hours after you miss the daily dose, so around 32 hours, the one where you are really puking and crapping and having fever, chills, sweats and your BP is thru the roof. if you are not there, don’t take the suboxone.
30mg is still gonna be different for every user, they all have different body weight, metabolism, all these tings.
So 35mg is really freaking stupid
But yeah, I had to lug all my stuff back to the front, back in the car, back from the car to my apartment, and came home and fell in bed and slept for about 20 hours
I was extremely irritated, and upset.
And then I started thinking.
Ok, this is the furthest I have gotten, I was actually in the place
this is the first time I heard directly from the nurse that I could come back after dropping to 30 for 7 days. So this is not 2nd and 3rd hand messages being passed to me that may mean something and may mean dick.
So there is hope here.
and that hope has turned this into a speed bump, not into a dead end.
It is rediculous to hav to go thru this, me do the foot work following a bunch of bogus leads, so it is me that gets rides from the medical ride service, and goes and does what I need to do, that ends up not working, and then sitting outside for 40 minutes waiting for the ride to get back,
and I am getting burned out of being sent down dead end to dead end to dead end
So this time, even tho I was a bit angry for being giving wrong information, of them giving the place wrong information, and when I did all the hard work (that used to be easy, pack and bring bags, right now that is killing me, I used to do it no problem, I need my knees fixed and I need this poison out of my body so my metabolism goes back to normal and I can star having energy and burn sedentary lard off my ass. so yeah, I was burnt out again and steamed.
But as the steam settled, I started looking at in a new light.
This is a speed bump, they did not turn me away saying, wrong way, do not enter. They just said, come back on the right vehicle and you can get in this parking lot. Speed bump, not a wall. (maybe that saying will inspire a song some day, maybe I will write one when I finally get in there).
also, I have a trade set up for this weekend, to trade my Ray4HH and a beater Epiphone for that G&L L-2000. So I may have missed out on that.
I had a Dr appointment to pick up Knee Braces (really need them) and compression socks, that would have been postponed til after, but the knee braces will be very nice to have when I am going thru alot of pain, so there is that.
And now I have 2 weeks to prepare, not 18 hours. I can make sure all the bills are paid, and rent is eady for next month and I can go knowing I took care of everything, instead of like yesterday when I showed up saying to myself, “what did I miss”, what am I fucking up by not taking care of something? are the girls phones gonna be shut off? will my daughters car insurance cancel? I did all that stuff, but just the stuff that is due now, the next cycle hits next week.
So I can be around to take care of all that stuff.
So, all in all, in the end. IF I drop to 30mg on Sunday (like I plan to do) and I stay on 30mg for a week, to the next Sunday, then Monday we can clall Phoenix house and say I am ready, what day can I come down.
And unless they decide that when I get there that 25mg is the new magic number and throw me back out, then I will get in, and I will be able to have better peace of mind while I am there cuz I will know I did everything I could to prepare for me being gone.
So, another drawback. as my sponsor told me today “there is never a dull day when you are Toby”
and what will be will be, weather I try to force it or break it, or force my will upon it, it is gonna go down its own way, and I can’t change it, unless I do what was asked of me and drop to 30 and go back, and start on the path to the brand new me.
I hope I do not offend anybody with subject material or graphic content. It is my life, this is how it has played out up to now, and how it is playing up this very minute. I hope you appreciate it as a way to add depth to the story, cuz it is not a shallow issue this one, thats for sure.
And so you are stuck with me for another 2 weeks looks like, and with that, I will drop the mic and sit down.
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That’s a rough road @T_dub - how very irritating and frustrating. Best of luck staying persistent.
Bright side - you’ll have weaned yourself off of half your dose by yourself. That’s no small feat, and something to be proud of. You’re strong - keep it up.
Best wishes.
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FFS @T_dub. What an absolute bullshit system.
All we can do is be here for you if we can help in anyway and listen to any rants you need to clear your mind.
I’m really lost for words but want you to know I will be there for you whenever you need whatever I can help you with
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No lie. I left the medical field (laboratorian here) because after 20 off-and-on years, I have resolved that American healthcare is a huge scam. And it’s a lot to do with stories like yours. I’m not gonna pretend to know what you’re going through, @T_dub, but overcoming my own demons and getting sober has been the hardest but most worthwhile thing I’ve done in life. For what it’s worth, this internet stranger is proud of you for staying strong – I will not party with you, today.
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It’s truly incredible how bad the US health care system is, from the beaurocracy and insurance side. Not the doctors’ faults at all, it’s the system.
It’s amazing to me that people believe the politicians that claim it is superior to other countries in any way. It’s a sad joke.
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Worse, Narca???Fachieti??? I.e. Flesh Eating Virus.
I was in the hospital from 10-1-20 to 10-20-20 and sick as a dog for about 2 months after my release, very much from this Methadone they were pumping me full of.
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I will join that not party 
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It is a superior business model, much to the expense of the health care itself.
Pharmacists are some of the worst too, highly judgmental to you and your doctor if they don’t agree with what has been prescribed. in my case it is prescibed is a different way, it is a daily dose, and there is no good way to tell the pharmacist how to write out 35mg per day because they want it to be broken into 3 or 4 doses, and the lady yells at me why are you taking 3 times at 10 mg and 1 time at 5mg.
I told her that is how the Dr prescribed it.
when she wanted to argue with me and basically tell me I am a pc of shit, I asked her in a blunt way, ARE YOU MY DOCTOR, No, you fill bottles with what the Dr tells you to, so fill my bottles.
She didn’t like that, and said, NOW I HAVE TO TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR ABOUT YOUR ATTITUDE, YOU SHOULDN’T BE GETTING THESE MEDICATION.
Really? yes Really?
So she has lost my faxed in RX 2 times. The Dr called and verified it was there, I called and verified it was there and the day it was time to get it, she said, nope, we don’t have anything for you.
one day it resulted in me not having my methadone for 46 hours, cuz it was a holiday and the Dr office was closed.
he knew he would not be there and I needed to pick up the rx on Sunday and he double checked they had it, plus I was picking uup something else earlier in the week, and I verified they had it.
That is one where I think I should write a letter to her superior, but I havee been told to leave it alone. with no REAL proof, it if my word against hers, and I am just a burn out junkie, she is respected pharmacist.
but I have my Dr and his nurse telling me she gives them the same attitude.
The dr even asked her at one time, hey, who is the dr here.
and he has had to go on and explain the taper process I am doing, which in reality is none of her business.
everybody else at that pharmacy treats me extrremely well, and I am very polite to them.
She hates me cuz I told her she can’t count when there are 31 days in the month that just passed, cuz she was arguing that I was picking up my meds a day early, when I was picking them up on the exact day I ran out of them.
She almost didn’t give them to me again, and she couldn’t admit she was wrong about the count, kept saying no, it is 13 days today, not 14, and it last filled on Jan31 and I was getting them Feb 13, it was a 14 day supply.
Anyway, enough about that.
thats not the worst,
the lady at Hoag hospital who is ultimately the reason that they won’t give me any meds at Hoag, and have plenty of documents (somewhat falsified, somewhat true) to back what they do in court. That is a great story. I will answer that question above and tell the story later, I am a little exhausted right now.
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I’m sorry you have had to go through all that Toby @T_dub, but it sounds like there’s a light at the end of the tunnel for you. We are all pulling for you and will be with you in spirit as you fight this battle. You are strong and determined, and I know you will conquer.
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I first got clean back in 2009, and stayed fully sober for over 5 years.
Then had a head injury, and a trip to the hospital, and I had prescripton pain meds from the injury for a while, bout a year, but when I didn’t need them anymore, I kept getting them since they will give them to me.
And I was still pretty good, only taking more pills then I should sometimes, not all the time.
Then in 2018, I fell to another injury and this time when I got out with crappy meds they were giving me, I sought out others and did most of 2018 selling the pills to supply my own habit, which was about $600 a day, but it was fully sustainable. I sold enough to have enough to get enough to sell enough to have enough.
Well I got really tired of where this was going, I was still a functioning member of society at work and taking care of a family, but I just really did not like who I was becoming again, and everybody around me started getting busted and I had to call it quits. December was a rough one, but I came out clean and in Jan 2019, I should have been good to go, but I found myself in the hospital on life support for Sepsis and pneumonia.
When I got out of the hospital, I was 3/4 dead. I could not get out of bed for weeks, and getting up adn driving a daughter to school, and picking her up was torture, and then to get dinner for her and do it day in day out, I was like a living skeleton, and I could not take it anymore.
And that was around April, 2014 right before I went back to work from this illness (and I did not feel anywhere near ready to go back, but the Dr’s were making me), that is when I went on my 2019 Death Run, and I had no intentions of making it out of this one alive. I had completely given up and was full bore going to go as big and hard as I ever had until I just didn’t wake up one day.
That only lasted 6 months and it was every bit as bad every day as my entire 35 year addiction prior to this had been, and it was not until the final few days to a week, when I actually thought I was dying, when I was at the end of days for me, I kind of changed my mind and didn’t want to die anymore. but I thought it was too late, and when I asked my folks to talke me to the hospital, I thought it was back in induced coma and life support for however long, possibly not coming off it.
When they told me at the hospital, that my organs were good, and that they checked me against all the sepsis and pneumonia records, add checked my kidneys that had failed in the last visit, and all my vital organs and said they were all doing fine.
The only thing they were any bit worried about was a few red abscesses in my leg which were injection sites getting mildly infected. and they said, you are not in terrible health, all the symptoms you have now are from your drug use.
I looked at them and said “I want a detox and treatment”, so they kept me there overnight and helped me get into one on 10-16-19.
The point to the story is coming up
So I did detox, it was HORRIFIC. i had reciprocated withdrawals for the first, and hopefully last time in my life, and I was in Detox for 20 days (costing my insurance $65,000) and they kicked me to residential side while I was still having pretty severe withdrawals, so I went on MAT (medically assisted treatment) and stayed on small doses of Suboxone to deal with the withdrawal symptoms.
So, while I was in treatment, they contacted my work, and without discussing it with me, they said I would return to work on 12/1/19, which was not going to happen. And then they changed it to 1/1/20, and again to 2/1/20, all without ever discussing it with me, I guest this is normal, they just keep telling them a month at a time.
Also, I signed up for State Disability the first week I was there.
In December of 19, I transfered to their aftercare IOP program and I lived in an apartment complex that was owned by the rehab and they had staff and housed us in sober living while taking us to out patient treatment IOP (intensive outpatient). while there, others that arrived in detox after me and set up disability after me started getting their disability checks.
I was not, and the site said that there was an error with the Dr at the detox, and I argued and fought with my clinician and his boss and others therre telling them they needed to fix this issue, and they would tell me daily that I needed to call, and I would tell them no, pull up the website, show them, say SEE, your mistake, fix it.
This went on until mid Jan, about 90 days after checking in.
I was already 30 and 60 days late on many bills, cell phones, car insurance, etc…, and I had no money, cuz, well, a $350 a day habit kind of leaves no room for money to pay for bills and insurance and phones and anything really but more heroine and fentynal, so I was pretty desperate for money.
I needed to pay credit cards and bank loans and all sorts of stuff, and I was getting nowhere with these idiots at rehab.
Talk about stressful, yeah, it was getting bad…
Yeah, well, it was starting to look like I might stop being determined to stay clean and more determined to take things back into my own hands.
But I didn’t, I talked to all my buddy’s there, and my sponsor and listened to what people had to say, instead of making up my own rules. and I calmed down, and one of my friends said, I got a number, direct line number to a lady that does disability, maybe if you call her she can help you.
At that time before COVID took off, disability lines were a joke, you would call 10 minutes before they were open and go thru 9 minutes of menus and then get a message saying we are closed, pleases call back in one minute
and then you call back, go thru all the menu’s and wait and get a ring, and a message saying, all operators are now busy, please try your call back later.
so yeah
I was hapy to give this number a call, and I did
message. Hmmmmmm
I hi I am Toby wood, this is my birthday and SSN, and I am having trouble getting my disability going…
5 minutes later she called bacck.
looked it over and said, oh yeah, the Dr at the detox doesn’t have a license.
and I said, what, he still works there. so she ran it again, and said, oh yeah, it has been renewed.
So the one day my paperwork went thru, was the day he was renewing his papers. Just my luck.
She said other things were jacked up, and give her about an hour and she will call back.
15 min later she called back and said 16, 736. HuH, does that sound like the money you are owed up to now.
Yeah, pretty close. Ok it has areasdy been released to your debit card, check back in the morning it should be there. And it was.
She also said my disability was just ran out and she sent the renew paper to the doctor and she said, tell you dr to fill that out and you won’t have to do anything, you will get payments every two weeks til you go back to work.
So yeah, I learned a lesson then. had I got drunk, no lets face it, had I done dope, what good would have come from it, nothing.
instead i did what steps I needed to do and it worked out.
THEN
just before March1, I got a letter at my Apartment which I only went to once in a while, but I got a package from my work saying that they were given my medical clearance date was 2-1-20, and since I had not been to work for over 3 weeks I was being terminated. Another bomb dropped, but I did the right thing and got thru it.
a week before that,
THE DEA rushed me at my rehab and took me in for questioning and showed me a warrant for my phone (my work phone) and that they had a right to take it into their custody because there are people in my phone and conversations and texts with people that they are investigating and they know I am connected with, etc…
Yeah, I was tripping, and wow, had that feeling like exploding when you don’t want to explode, and you get that feeling, no you get that voice in your head that says “come on, we know how to fix this, lets go get a sack of dope”
But my friends from the living place we were at, all got with me and kicked it with me and talked it ot til that feeling went away, and it was all good,
There is a saying, don’t make a permanent decision to try to fix a temporary feeling. So true there.
But then, a few days later, March 3, 2020. My youngest daughters 16th birthday, I am almost 6 months clean, and we are out shopping for her birthday, and just pulled into the lot at south coast plaza where I was going to take her to eat and shop for something for her birthday, and as soon as I parked, and opened the door, my mom called, and its bluetooth in the car, she says, did Tanessa call you (x-wife, mother of my 3 daughters), I said no, she said, you better call, they found Madi with her eyes rolled back in her head
That feeling from the DEA just hit me 100x over.
My daughter is screaming in the car, we are driving like maniac out of the parking lot and onto the road home, calling her mom, and her mom just answers the phone, yells “Madi’s dying” and hangs up the phone.
My daughter is freaking out, I am ready to blow my top, and I am starting to think out of control, and we keep calling her mom back call after call after call after call til she picks up and says “I dont know, I am not at home, Jordan called and found her, the paramedics are on their way” and hangs up again.
so we keep calling and calling and calling. Which hospital (she lives less then a block away from one, so that is obvious, but still, not thinking clearly)
and we are driving and my daughter is yelling hurry up, and asking me “dad, is Madi gonna die” and I kept telling her NO, she is too strong, no way.
and we drive and drive, and that 20 minutes took 3 hours.
pulled up and ran in and her mom is there and says she is in the back, they are working on her, her heart was stopped when we got here.
And the next 10 minutes is like getting more and more and more out of control in my head, and I keep thinking, what is getting loaded gonna do, if she dies, I got loaded, if she lives, I got loaded, if she is healthy and her brain is clear, I got loaded, and if her brain is dead and she is a vegetable I got loaded.
and what would getting loaded do for the situation? Nothing to help anything, nothing good for me, and whatever happens is gonna happen whether I get loaded or not.
So I start calling my sponsor and friends and people from the program and half of them all came down to be with us and and I got thru that night, and every night after that sober and didn’t have to drink or use, no matter what.
And I have not even touched on my Virus and hospital stay, and the maddening DR that put me on Methadone when I was just getting off Suboxone. and I have not talked about all the other times that I was supposed to get into a detox, since leaving the hospital in October of 2020,
and I have not even talked about the fact that at almost 18months sober, I have to go back to a detox to get what can only be described as the wrath of a crappy Dr. out of my system.
I have not touched on all the other things that would have sent me to the pointy end of an insulin syringe.
There is no need to keep going on
so, fast forward to today, or yesterday, or Wednesday morning.
You would think after everything that I just talked about should give some indication to how strong and determined I am , wouldn’t you.
what it really shows is the power of addiction, of the disease that I have in my body and mind.
Cuz, after being turned away for the 4ths time yesterday, and even after finally finding a place I can go back to in a couple weeks, I was still running the gauntlet in my head, and I still had moments where going to get loaded and saying FUCK ALL THIS sounded not only like a good idea, but it sounded like “THE ONLY RIGHT IDEA”. And I had to talk and text with people and talk thru it until I, ME, Toby, turned around what people were saying to me.
"Man that sucks, they keep screwing you "
“Holy Crap, what a bunch of A holes”
“What are you gonna do, get loaded, I would”
and it goes from me talking about how crappy this is to remembering that I have a Bass Trade lined up that I was going to have to miss out on, and a Dr appointment that took me a month to get, that I was going to have to reschedule on, and now I am not rushing to get somewhere, trying to take care of everything in 12 hours, and missing a bunch of it, and now I have at least 2 weeks, and will choose the day I want to go it, and I won’t miss out on this bass, and I might sell another before I go, and I can take care of this and that I was waiting to do. So yeah, I decided this was a speed bump, not a road block like the other places I had gone too. and not that it would have changed a lot if it was a roadblock, there was still a bunch of good things I was not gonna miss out on because of how it worked out.
No, I am not strong, I am conditioned. I was conditioned to do one thing anytime I wanted to, anytime I was mad, happy, surprised, burned, cheated, fired for reasons beyond my control. I was conditioned to answer all those questions with the same answer.
But I have learned a new way, and I have a program, a sponsor, a home group, an AA family, and a BASS BUZZ family, and I have people that I run and talk to, and blow up on and do whatever I have to to keep me from going back to do what I know so well.
It is not me that is strong, It is you that is strong, and you guys here that are strong that keep me from being weak, my program and my sponsor and AA family and Bass Buzz family, you guys are a rock, you are all strong, and you help me to be strong to say, I don’t have to get loaded today, and I can get thru today , and do it one day at a time.
I am not strong, but I have found strength in you guys, and the other families I have and the other programs I have outside bass, I have found strength in places I never expected to find it. I rarely found it in myself, but as long as I have all of you and those things, I am surrounded by strength an impenetrable force.
Thank you, weather you know it or not, you (who is reading this, you specifically) have had a part in making me strong an saving my life
I started playing bass again back in Feb 2020, and by mid March 2020, I was on this forum and doing B2B. You have been around for more of these things I have fought off then you know. not just these ones specifically, others too.
I am rambling at this point
thanks to one thanks to all
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Why, yes… but it is therapeutic, and if it helps even a tiny bit, keep rambling!!
I said it before: I think it might really do you a wealth of good to write this all up with a bit more structure and show it to some editors. Maybe just to get it out of your system!? Your story is a glimpse of Life in America in the new millennium, as relevant, as timely and as important to share as I have heard (and I feel suddenly so sheltered…).
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Man I’m lost for words @T_dub.
What an absolute shit show you’ve been dragged through.
Ramble away bro . I will read all you write and listen
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Yeah, Thanks guys.
and I said I had a GOOD ONE to tell, just was too tired to continue.
so no time like the present than to march on with this good one.
This is the story why I would not be able to sue them for not giving me medication of any kind.
Actually if I could get the right team of lawyers and the right people in the medical profession that are sick of the medical profession, mabe there is something that coud be done. if not for me, for the next guy.
Just like how I had to fight, kicking and screaming, both fists in to get them to treat my daughter like a normal 18 year old that just had her foot amputated and give here the medications she needs now, to get thru this pain she has now.
Ok, sit back, get a brew or a cup of joe, I am gonna go grab a Dr. Pepper, be right back…
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Yeah, sounds like a great idea. It is like the inmates telling on the warden.
No seriously it is.
Prision corruption from what I have read and seen is similar. you have a bunch of prisioners doing time for crimes most have comitted, and then they live in inhumane conditions, or are used for jail staff intertainment, making them fight, , in extreme cases making them commit other crives for the guards and prison staff, up to the warden.
But what do you do.
Um, yeah, I want to report the warden for allowing the larger guys in the unit to come into my cell at night
Yah ok, what is your crime
I am a convicted rapist
Case Dismissed
Yeah, I want to report the warden setting up bare knuckle boxing matches and betting on them and making a pile of money (maybe that is a movie, but yeah, shit happens).
Ok Inmate, what are you in for.
Assault and great bodily harm, with breaking and entering.
Case Closed.
ya get what I am saying.
So you have a bunch of sickies, getting treated like shit, and most can’t even remenber the shit that went down (I don’t remember any of mine, but I have had it detailed back to me by credible sources. My parents, X wife, Wife, Children, any family that was there to witness it happen.
So, yes, I would like to write a formal complaint about this Dr. of internal medicine (mean dr with no really understanding of anything but that there might be medication to help what she doesn’t understand, but has a license to use whatever she has at her disposal whenever she wants on whoever she wants. and I would like the court to take account for the fact that she kept sticking me with drugs that do not work with my brain, and while I don’t have a level 4 allergy, (like I take them and die), I do have enough of an allergy so when I take them, all hell breaks loose.
And I wouldlike to also bring to the courts attention that while she was giving me these drugs, and even with my mood, temper and mannerisms becoming increasingly more manic, I was calmly trying to tell her what to give me to calm me down, based on past hospital trips, and what medications I do not have bad reactions to, and I was asking for those, but instead of using the drugs I was asking for, after telling her they will work to calm me down and I would lie peacefully on the gurney, she instead continued to give me more of her meds that I already told her make me psychotic and I hallucinate badly, so when you give me those meds, I get paranoid, anxious, claustrophobic, manic, and I see and hear things.
BUT, SHE, instead of give me two drugs to calm me down, she took her upon herself to continue to give me more and stronger versions of drugs I told her do not agree with me, and I, thru no fault of my own, will not behave the way you want me to. in order for that to happen, you need to change your whole approach
But NO, she is right, she is trained hospital staff.
I am not only a patient, I am a long term alcoholic and drug addict
Case closed.
Only, I didn’t close that case. Once more, O broke free of any restraints they had on, ripped any and all lines and needles and cathaters in me and started walking out the back door. (AGAIN, for like the 3rd time that night already)
They went thru this with me at the airport trying to get me in the paramedics, and I was chill in the gurney until they pumped the devil juice inside me, for no apparent reason, as far as I know I was following directions and being civil, until they put this medication in me.
What is the magic medication. It is really any member of the class of drugs called Anti Psychotics. These drugs turn me into a raving lunatic.
So they pump them in, attack me, tackle me, get all the guards there to hold me down why they tie me up and get me in the paramedic and to the hospital.
As soon as I get to the hospital, another round of anti psychotics, some seraquel or something/. They figure that will calm me down and I am going to behave.
got another thing coming, as soon as they had the girth restraint loosened, I broke out of the rest and jumped up and started running out of the hospital.
Now this happens like two more times. I think my parents finally showed up and confirmed to them they really need to be careful what meds they give me. They asked my parents what to give me, they said, IDK, ask him, he knows what works for him. The Dr. says, I don’t think that he does. He has just been here on a drug seeking mission. I am pretty sure he is detoxing benzo’s, and that is why he is acting like this.
So the fight goes on til I collapse, like almost dead collapse, shaking violently, and that was that.
Reminder. I dont’ know aything this far. I don’t remember anything, I have no idea what my thought process was at that time, I was in shock and recall nothing. This is not like a black out drunk. I was not drinking or using anything when thie happened. my body put me in shock because of the Pneumonia put my body in toxic shock, and my blood was septic.
4 days later I wake up for a minute or two just to see some family faces and hear, you are on life support, we will be here when you get out bye …
More Coma
More Coma
I get out of the Coma and start having conversations with family to piece together what happened.
I was supposed to fly on a business trip.
I had not been feeling good for about 2 months, but didn’t know what.
so I got pneumonia and that infected my kidneys and at teh airport they actually shut down, I was in Renal failure and septic shock.
That Dr got the other doctors and my parents on board with my benzo withdrawal
I kept saying, I don’t have any Xanax, I didn’t take any Xanax, my blood screen is clean, WTF are you talking about lady.
We looked up you r records and you were given a bottle, 30 day supply for Xanax (1mg pills, not the big boys), and you have been taking them for 30 days and ran out of them 3 days ago, that is from doing the math when you got them and how many you had, and now you are in withdrawal.
I told her BS, this isn’t Benzo Withdrawal. First, you have to take Benzo to have withdrawal, and 1 a day 1mg isn’t gonna giveme withdrawals, besides the face, I NEVER TOOK THEM.
And she kept coming back saying, yeah, you have not taken them for 3 days, and now you are withdrawing.
and I start screaming at her, LADY, DO thE MATH. I get a bottle of Xanax 40 days ago (now at that calendar date), and 40 days ago I sold them for $400 cash, but I didn’t do one single Xanax. So take your theory that I am detoxing Benzo and blow it out your ass, then go find out what is medically wrong with me.
So this becomes a fun stay, they are getting me a little stronger, it is a few days before I can eat solid food, after 9 days of feeding tube and liquid diet.
and we are adjusting my meds daily, and I always call them over to me.
Ok, you are talking about my meds, I am in, what we got.
at first they didn’t want to talk about them in front of me, but I would’t let that happen.
In order to make this extremely long strop a little less extremely long, I will jump thru a few things here
So every night when they are doing the rounds, they are telling me what they got for the night and next day, and I wouldl aprove or cut them off and say, now why the heck wold you bring that drug back into play, you have seen what it did before. (at this piont, my health is pretty much back, kidneys fine, we are just trying to slowly wean the meds out of me at a comfortable level, plus I have Tramadol to go home on, so I don’t have to kick to completely nothing
And what we are doing not is trying to fix my sleep, I had not slept for two nights.
She starts listing off meds and I hear Haladol, Torodol, Saraquil.
STOP, but the breaks on there sweetheart would you, what have we said about Seraquil and Haladol.
Oh no, we have you on plenty of mood stabilizers and other crap, you should sleep like a baby.
Well, I guess babies dream they are on cruise ships and that there are different casino royals games in every room, and go exploring, because that is how I “slept” all night. I was hallucinating all night and getting out of bed and running around the CRUISE ship we were on. The guy said, go back to your room, I said, what time is curfew on this ship. he said you are in the hospital. I said, pretty nice hospital for a ship doc.
So
around 4:30-5am, I get to sleep in my bed, after they took me and put down a special matterss and left a rotot looking thing in my room to look over me while I sleep. (this is real, not the hallucination, I know, fooled me too) so when I get up for the day, 20-30 minutes later and sit up, this robot turns and looks at me and says. “Intruder Alert”. “Intruder Alert”. (some of you should get that ). it says Do not get up, hospital staff is on the way, do not get out of bed.
Ok, next night, family and friends about to leave, cuz they are coming around with night time meds, and I hear her telling the doc, this and that and this and seraquil and halodol.
I just about came unglued. WTF, have you not learned your lesson by now, don’t feed me shit I wouldn’t take myselfe, easy rule to follow.
Oh no, “sir”, we adjusted all your other medications, tonight you will have sweet dreams. I said Whats it gonna be, sweet dreams or sleep like a baby, cuz me and that crazy kid had some fun last night. yadayada.
So, I am up hallucinating all night. was a little more on the trippy, sometimes freaky hallucinations, not called a good trip. not a bad one, but really freaking weird.
But
4:30-5:00am, I find myslef tied to the bed again, adn I wake up and look over on the couch, and there was an angel. what, what the hell is this, did I do something good?
I said, Hi, who are you.
She said (get this) Hi, I am Candy (I shit ou not) and I am your sitter for today.
(I couldn’t write this better if I tried, I mean, come on, Candy the Candystriper, 18, blonde, sexy as all hell, and she just chills on my couch and watches movies all day while I give her advice on how and when to kick guys in the balls. Like if they call you this, yes, 10o%, kick them in the balls. etc…
So, its night time again and the lady and my Dr come back around ahd she starts to speak quietly, mumble mumble mumble.
Speak up there, I can’t her you over this guys breathing, what are you trying to shove into me tonight.
and she satts, well, we took away this and that, and we added this and that (ok, that sounds good so far, but if you try to squeak one more of those god damn seraquel into me, I am firing you and writing my own bedtime medication list.
UUhhhhhh
UUhhhh
I say. UUhhhh. UUhhhh What, you did, didn’t you, you have seraquel and haladon on that list don’t you.
Ok, your are out, play time is over, giveme the list.
Ok I cross this out and this out and that out and that out and this, no, this can saay, so can this, but that, no, and that, no.
Ok, there is the list
But there are no sleep aids on there.
What do you mean, there has not been sleep meds on any list, you giveme wacky whams and dizzy sticks and laffy taffy, but not sleep meds.
Ok you have to have a sleep med.
Sure thing, bring me 2, that is two, ambien, two ten Mg ambien, and none of the XR shit.
Reluctantly, and after my folks giving some dirty looks like, you screwed up this far, its his turn. so they did it, and let me tell you about the sleep I had that night.
None, no sleep, I was up all night, in a mild hypnotic state, so it was not a total loss. I got rest and I felt great in the morning.
But I did have some hallucination and I did report it.
and I said, now take out all that other goofey shit you got me on, and just bing me the 2 ambian for the night.
they wanted me to try triazadone, which I said yes to make them happy, but I told them bring me the strongest shit you got, and also bring two ambian, cuz if I don’t sleep, I am gonna want some ambian.
I did take the trazazone, but just to float their boats, and after they took ot all the other crazy list of pills they were given me, I took that ambian, and I slept like a baby… Like a real baby
Now the dr said, how are we gonna get you off tis Fentynal.
I said, are you for real, you wantme to do this for you too.
Ok, you keep me on 50 today, starting in the morning it is 50 morning, then 35 afternoon and 35 at night, then next day is 32, then 25 then 25,
and yes, I proceed to write him a schedule to get me from Fentynal down to tramazol that I would take home with me, in about 3 weeks
Ok, so why does this mean you can’t get meds and why can’t you sue them.
Well, that lady wrote a report on me and sent it to every doctor I have even seen, every Dr I see and put it in my file at the hospital, so every Dr I see, every Shrink I see, every surgeon, whatever I see, they have this letter,
and it goes on to say how I came into the hospital after being tazed and refrained by TSA and paramedics and after heavy doses of anti psychotics I was still being unruly and my main puropse to be in the hospital day was on a drug seeking mission. she went on to say that I have a life long addiction to heroin and opiates of all types, and that I am a danger to myself and to others. She said that the whole time I was in teh ER I was demanding Xanax and Fentynal or dilaudid (which I was, and I ws telling her the Xanax will take me out of the phychosis you have put me in, and the Dilaudid or Fentynal will help with the pain caused from intubation and from 10 guys takling me to the ground when I am in nothing but a hospital gown, and they did it like 5 times.
And. she closes her letter stating that the conclusion of my visit was Severe withdrawals from benzodiazaphene’s. with nothin to say about the pneumonia or sepsis
I have had Dr’s read it to me while having a big laugh at how elementary and ridiculous this is.
and it is worth a good laugh when telling wound and battle stories, but when I need meds in a hospital when my body is in shock and I am facing possible amputation of my leg if they can’t get the infection under wraps, and me losing my leg due to flesh eating virus, it is not tie time for a debate weather I am an addict or not, it is not a debate wo weather I dhould be treated with opiates, it is a no brainer that I should be treated with proper medications.
I am 6 months out of the hospital, and I am still trying to get rid of this horrifying drug in my body, that somebody made me take based on the letter written by another Mrs. Crazy Cuckoo
[disclaimer - that is not the real definition of an internal medicine dr. and while I am partly attempting to be humorous, there is much truth to what was just said, it just may apply to other doctors more than Dr of internal medicine, I am taking a guess here.]
So there, I think I remembered to put in all the parts that I have no recollection of, and was only told by friends and family.
Actually, no that is not true.
I have distinct memories of when I was in the hospital and up to that night when I was firing her for her medicine choices (seraquel) again, and writing my own rx for meds to sleep that night, and I recall getting out of the hospital and going home after that, but it really shocked me, when I heard the letter she wrote to all my doctors.
And then I get treated with the worst poisons they have instead of the ones that work, are short acting and get out of your body quickly so when you go home you don’t have to stay on pain meds., No, those meds are off limits to me, I can only have the ones that are slow acting, and get all imbedded in your body like burrowing badgers, ready to stay all winter long, I get those that are a pain to get out of you and to keep out of you.
It is amazing that one person with a little education, zero life experience can have such an impact on do many people in a horrifying manner, and not even know it, probably thinks she is saving mine and others lives. she is saving our lives by setting us on ritual fire for a demigod of her choice.
her letter is ver little fact, many half truths and very many flat out lies, and it determines what type of care I can ezpect that that hospital.
But when the power is in your hands, you take the power and run with it.
So, you can bet I will never consciencelesly go back to HOAG Hospital. There are only two arund, with a few surgery centers, but I am going to make it a point to stay ot of those hospitals if I can have any say in the matter.
If I am not out cold, and I can tell the driver of the ambulence, where to go, I will tell him “NOT HOAG”, any hospital but HOAG.
As long as I stay out of that umbrella of network, I have a fighting chance.
better yet, lets just stay out ot the hospital for a while, thats what I am gonna really try to do.
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So, I am off in the morning to try this all over again.
This time, I have dropped to 30mg of Methadone a day for the past 9 days (7 was the requirement they told me last time, but I have heard many things in the past from places like this and then they change it again when I go back, so fingers crossed) and there are a couple scary health questions that I have to Answer YES to, and in reading the instructions to the person that reviews the questionnaires, if the client answers “yes” to one or more question in section A, they are considered a life threatening risk and should be considered for placement in a hospital setting. I have ONE 100% yes, that I can in no way get around answering yes, and I have a 2nd one that I can skirt around and answer no, but still I have one definite yes in section A
It aso says if they have more then 2-3 Yes answers in section B, they may be candidate to be refered to a higher level of a care or a hospital setting. I have about 2-3 that I have to answer yes to, maybe I can skirt around one of them. And for section 3 it is less stringent, but I still have 4-5 Yes answers.
For instance, in section A there is a question
Have you ever had a hit or blow to the head that lead to a loss in consciousness. - sadly, I have to answer yes, about 6 or 7 times.
But I can play it off to the single time that I was in the holpital, only for a blow to the head, and check yes, and then wirte. “Full recovery made”
and hope that stands.
the next question is have you ever had seizures. so, to skirt around this question, I answer, NO, I have never had a seizure (and leave out the part that I have never had one that was not caused by a blow to the head) cuz they just want to know if I am prown to seizures, and I have only ever had one from a smack to the head.
And other things about chronic pain, bad knees, joints, muscle pain,
A whole bunch of stuff that almost anybody checing into detos would answer yes to, so I don’t see why they act as tho they are not set up to deal with that.
Its stupid.
But I will give it my best shot.
I will either be here tomorrow, cursing under my breath, that I hit another speed bump, or I will be gone for a few weeks and see ya all upon my return.
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Good luck Toby! We’ll all be thinking about you!
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Good luck, brother. I’m hoping for all the best for you tomorrow.
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