@Silvia that definitely sucks. Just keep doing you. You’ll soon hook up with the right band. We, bassist are more in demand than any other position on the band. One of the band I’m in wants me to be there full time instead of the younger guy because he’s not seasoned enough. The right band is right around the corner.
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Ugh, I hear you. I’ve gone through this a few times as well as a middle aged Asian woman.
That said, over the years, I’ve found a great group of folks, who then are connected to more great folks. And I’ve been able to play in various groups consistently over the last 10+ years. But yes, many opportunities missed as well. Is there a local music school or adult meet up for musicians? That’s where I met a lot of these folks. Lots of working full time grown ups, but play music on the side for fun --some more serious than others. They key was once I found a few folks, it was a matter of networking and getting introduced to more folks beyond that.
Wishing you good luck and sending you good vibes. You’ll find your community eventually!
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Wow. I wasn’t aware of this whole topic, but sadly I am not really surprised.
(I just started playing the bass and I am very much in love with this instrument. 
)
The thing is, I am working in IT and being a female technician is a struggle too. I can’t tell you how often I visit a customer and they ask: “No! Why did they send a secretary?”
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So, I also work (kind of) in IT-related high-end stuff, and can happily announce that this kind of discrimination does not happen here, at least not in the companies / projects I am involved.
So that would be in Germany, Switzerland, UK, Holland, Belgium, France and even Italy and Poland. I’m not 100% sure about Poland, though.
US might be different, when I look at what’s happening over there. It’s still a young country and needs to learn to be adult, maybe 
Here, no man (I’m aware of) has 2nd thoughts, working with/for women.
Personally, I kind of prefer it, as (most) women - in my opinion - are much less playing the “alpha animal” game, so we can all focus on the actual projects!
But my first “boss” was a female, and a generally very cool person, so my view might be tainted…
After all, this is the 21st century, so all that male/female stuff should be behind us. Not sure what the future looks like, but that is a political topic, and I understand those discussions are not allowed.
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I’m sorry this happened to you. Some people are only comfortable in their own small world making their own small rules.
I once contacted someone who put an ad on Craigslist looking for a band mate. They replied to my first message that they don’t want a woman in their band.
You’re not alone. Yes, it sucks.
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you need to start your own band. eff them.
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of course worth noting how all these asshat dudebros think that the WOMAN is the problem, and not themselves. fuck the patriarchy.
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Solidarity from another ashamed male. Hopefully, you’ll soon find a good band to play and have fun with
And this really annoys me! Why waste everybody’s time (and upset a person in the process) like this? Unless they weren’t honest in their feedback… be glad they spared you some more anger in the future
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I work in IT too and we run into this from time to time. I have little tolerance for it. I think my people have stopped telling me when it happens because I don’t let it slide and they don’t want to make an issue of it.
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I know you qualified this, but I just feel the need to underline that female musicians being considered “distracting” is completely unacceptable. I don’t care if it’s the reality; it shouldn’t be, and we all need to be doing things to change that. If a man can’t cope with not hitting on every woman he comes into contact with, that’s his problem, not the woman’s, and we shouldn’t be punished with less opportunity because of it.
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I agree with everyone that said you dodged a bullet. Your playing isn’t the problem, so keep doing your thing! I wish you the best of luck finding some good musicians to jam with.
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I couldn’t agree more, but, this IS reality… I know… I’ve seen it many times… I’ve heard the comment many times… I brought the comment up because as crappy as it is, it is the truth out there… Don’t shoot the messenger @crumpet… I’m just being open and honest as to what goes on out here… Can it be fixed any time soon?? Hell, Idunno… I’m way past my prime anyway… But there’s one thing I do know,… bands or groups out there will take whomever they please… Once anyone (typically governments or whatever entity) starts dictating that every band needs to have a quota of whatever in their bands or groups,… Heaven forbid… Think about it… Personally, I’d rather have bands that have rights to pick and choose based on what “they” want no matter what color, religion, race, gender, etc… This is what makes music so free… The ability to be free… Yes, it’s a shame when a band turns someone down based on a prejudice - but - it’s reality, and reality needs to stay in music… Don’t like a prejudiced band, don’t friggin’ listen to them or buy their music…
Sorry for my rant… Really am… And I’m also sorry that something like this has happened, but sometimes reality does suck… Peace Out…!!.. Keep On Thumpin’!
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I’ll say it again, “She tempted me” is the weakest, creepiest, most unmanly little-boy excuse in the book.
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Here’s a simple shout out to every band looking for players.
If age is a factor then say so in your ad or listings for players. You’re not subject to age discrimination laws so tell the world what genre of music you’ll be playing and what range of age you consider the proper fit. You’ll lose out on some very good musicians but who cares? It’s the “look” you’re after right? Then those of us who don’t fit won’t waste your time or ours.
Preparing for an auditions takes time and effort on the part of those being auditioned. Be respectful of that and state very specifically who and what you’re looking for in the way of a player or players. Although it may be sexist if you would absolutely not consider a female member then say so upfront. If someone with gray hair won’t fit your desired “image” then state a desired range of age. If you don’t want a 70 year old member in your band regardless of talent or experience say so upfront so I’m not wasting my time learning your tunes.
It’s all about respect and being professional. If you want to be considered pros act like pros.
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That’s just a sad read, I hoped we’d come further than the “but you are an…” as a society, but we sadly aren’t. I’ve gotten plenty of flag for being the “homemaker” while my wife has been furthering her career.
But screw those people. It cannot be a very serious project if they only have aesthetics in mind, not the awesome low end of a badass player, regardless of gender/age.
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The industry is still really toxic this way. The idol bands here “graduate” members once they are in their early 20s because they are “too old” and not young and cute enough. It’s gross and weird.
Wombat mentioned F-Chopper Koga above - the labels wouldn’t sign her band ~15 years ago because “no one wants to see a girl slap.” She didn’t let it stop her and her band is one of the most successful alt-pop bands in Japan now, even spawning a couple awesome spinoffs.
This is her from her slap video instruction DVD not long after:
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That’s really awesome. Amazingly talented lady!
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I think this thread is mainly (or almost completely) dealing with gender- but I think the other half you mentioned is age, so I would like to address that part! I’m coming at it from another direction since I am the leader of a band for the last 2 and a half years. For various reasons, (that I have documented in another thread on this forum) we’ve had a bit of a revolving door of members, so it seems every few months, I am searching once again for replacements. So let me start of with: I am old! 
I will be 63 this year. And yes, when it comes to bands, age unfortunately is a major part of it. My big fear as I place ads on Craigslist or Bandmix, etc trying to attract a new drummer or vocalist, etc, is that if I am not upfront on who we are, there is a very high likelihood that I will be in communication with someone in their 20s or 30s who will eventually show up to our audition and regardless of how good we sound, style of music, or anything else, will not be expecting people who could potentially be their parents or even grandparents! I learned early on that I needed to be clear in the ads, that we are older, give our age ranges from 40s-60s, but always add that “all ages are welcome.” But over the course of this time span, I think the youngest we’ve ever had come out was 39. But if I was on the other end, looking at ads for bands that need a bass player- age would certainly be on my mind. I would just not want to show to an audition to play a style or genre of music that I like, only to discover that the band was in their 20s or 30s. And really , who am I kidding, actually a band in their 40s might not be comfortable with me in my early 60s now! I think you just have to realize its no age discrimination- there are just various elements to being in a band in addition to the sound: the chemistry between members, things in common, the way everyone looks, the image the band might want to present, etc.
I am very lucky early in my band search process to have found a wonderful rhythm guitar player that is a couple years older than me. She and I had an instant connection, and even though lead guitar, drummer, and vocalist have swapped out, she has remained constant. And its always easier to start a band and attract others if you have a least one other member on board early on. You might consider going this route, try to start your thing rather than looking for a situation that is pre-existing. I will admit, it is a lot more work- but the positives are that YOU get to select the genre/style that you love, and then its a matter of finding others (near your age) that also like that music. Anyway, thought I would share my thoughts. Good luck to you! Hopefully you can find the right situation, or even create your own depending on your area and possibilities around you.
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Hi Silvia,
I am 66 year-old woman bass newbie (thanks to Josh). All I can say is: “Don’t let the basstards get you down.”
Obviously you encountered a group of really sad guys who didn’t deserve to have you in their band. Keep going, follow your bliss (and your bass) and you will eventually draw to you the right group. Forget that bunch of idiots.
Rock on!
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Thanx for your feedback and thanx for posting clearly in your ads what age group you are looking for in musicians. Nothing of that was in the information I got. In fact, one of my church musician buddies in his 30ies asked me to audition with the band known to him and they scheduled the audition with me without restrictions. Naive as I am, I did not think that age or gender would be a criteria because it would never be one for me. I play with a 14-year-old drummer in my church band btw. He was just as flabbergasted as I was when the bandleader told me that they are looking for younger guys only. Other doors opened already. I am past that and look forward to jam with a great bunch of people who invited me. That’s all I wanted. Getting practice playing with other musicians to improve my skills as a bass player.
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