Tdub Recovery

I am back, had a lovely time.

Was the biggest mind fuck I ever had. It was weird, and really kind of made me go crazy for a while, then I got sick and it was over quick.

I felt like the normal hell I usually feel, with added pain, not only cuz the instant cut off of Methadone, much much more from the bed, it was way less then Ghetto Fabulous, and it was about the most painful part of the whole thing.

Then the Anxiety, never had anxiety like that before, that doubled with the bed made for my rating of 5 golden plated shits for this whole experience.

Not that it was a totally unfamiliar process, but the timing and tempo of the whole thing was really out of wack. And the intensity was way reversed.

Usually it goes,
1 - check in, get searched, turn you phone in, drop your bags in the room, see the Dr. Get some COMFY MEDS. - 3 hours.
2 - anxiety kicks in at 3 and gets to about a 10, meanwhile, you start going to the bathroom about every 20-30 min, probably still constipated for the first hours, then soft, then loose by end of this stage. Joints are aching, stomach cramps, and hot flashes, and some cold sweats. - 9 hours
3 - Shaking starts stomach cramps turn to nauseous, bathroom less frequent, but loose to liquid, watery eyes, sniffles or runny nose, joints are cracking and bones ache. lots of sitting / standing / sitting / standing and shifting while sitting and walking circles while standing - 6 hours.
4 - Bones are hurting, blood feels like lava in your veins, freezing cold, but sweating buckets and skin is on fire, shaking turns to mildly convulsing, and sitting turns to laying down anywhere on anything, then rolling around trying to get comfortable, standing and pacing, lots of kicking of the legs when laying or sitting, hence the term KICKING, and you just want to take your skin off completely and hang it in the closet. and there is this sneeze that is kind of hard to explain, but its a Sneeze over a sneeze before the first one is done then another ontop of that one before it is done, and it just keeps going, sneeze ontop of sneeze, maybe two sneezes before the first stoped, and it won’t stop. you hold your nose, then breath and it keeps coming back until you can finally hold your breath long enough for it to go away. it does, but it will be back, sure thing. 6 hours

24th hour - drop an 8 or two of Subs, and wait for about 3-7 minutes.
after that, it all symptoms back off to manageable. they are all there, but they are not nearly as severe, but its so much better, pulling you out of "I want to Die" and dropping you off at "I feel shitty, but death is not the best answer".
next 4-8 days, taper down to no subs and feel better.

OK, now I will tell you how this trip went.

Stage 1 - 6 hours - same thing as the first example. but longer and no searching or phones being taken???
Stage 2 - 6 days - mostly the same as the first example, but anxiety starts out at 7 and less bathroom stuff and not alot of sleeping.
Stage 3 - 5 hours 45 min - not the same as the first example, and much of the symptoms from stage 1-3 in the first example are not there or nearly as intense, but the ones that are there suck. MOSTLY restless in bed, no sleep, rolling side to side, sitting up for about 5 min, lay back down and repeat. bones aching, back especially, skin chills, mild sweating.
stage 4 - 15 min - Sit up, not wake up, cuz not a wink of sleep that night, ,start shaking, reach for water, almost puke on the floor, restless, can’t sit still, shifting side to side, and then it comes, the sneeze that seals the deal.

7th day - take a 2 strip of Subs, not an 8 like in the first example, but I am scared as hell while doing it, cuz its not THAT bad yet (my kick), and IDK if its coming still, or here already, and this 2 strip can kick it from Bad into totally FUCKED, if the timing is wrong. See, if it took so damn long to come on, and I am barely past stage 2 in last example.
Am I really in it, or do I have another 21 days to go before it is bad enough?? If the timing is wrong, then I will be putting myself in way worse situation,
At the same time, I don’t want to feel like this now, so I figure, take the 2, thank god its not an 8, cuz I would be 4x more FUCKED if this goes south on me.
But the anxiety and restlessness make you say Fuck it, at least if its not all the way here, it will kick in all the way here, now, and no more waiting with mass anxiety, and now more pain and way more discomfort. So if I take it, it will be a shorter time for me to wait.
So I did, and thankfully it did not really kick if up, it only really kicked it sideways, but, at least it kicked it off without putting me in a worse spot…

Now, at this point, I am still in a big fog. ??? who knows how long it will last, IDK, its a mind fuck, will it go, will it stay, will it come, will it leave, who knows, this should have been gone already by day 7, and it just only started today.

Ok, so that was how it happened, not like it usually does in the first example, and the worst part of it was the pain from the bed and the anxiety of waiting for it to come.
I actually HAD to convince myself they were not coming and I was fine, to get them to get here. I had thoroughly convinced myself they were not coming about 2 hours before it got here, which was about 2am Monday morning.
Then, after starting the Subs with a 2mg strip (I should have said this earlier, Suboxone comes in strips that melt under your tongue, in sizes ranging from 2-12), I was scheduled for a 7 day taper, but my goal was for 3. any longer and I have a chance of having to KICK the Suboxone, with mild to moderate withdrawals, and because it is about as long in your system as Methadone, I would not be able to tell if it were an aftershock from Methadone, or the Suboxone kicking in. In reality, so best to stop it before it gets embedded in my brain.
and
on day 1, I was feeling better after taking the first one, but it felt like it was still kicking some of the old methadone out, and some of the symptoms got worse, like stomach cramps and gas pains, but the restlessness was cut off and I could lay still. I took another 2 strip 3 hours later and another 2 hours after that, then another around 6pm. Feeling OK, but anxious and sore, usually I am only just barely able to function on the first day of Subs.
I woke up with cold sweats at about 3am, and was a little restless, so now its day 2 (of my taper, really its day 8 there) and, I got 4mg, 2 strips at 8am, and 2 strips more at 12pm and 2 more at 6pm. Usually on day 2, I am fucked in bed. I had a good day, so, not too bad.
On morning 3 I woke up covered in sweat, and was really cold, but not freezing, and dried up pretty quickly, so I dropped another 2 strips, had another day of feeling good actually, and took another 2 strips at 7pm.
Day 4, woke up, felt ok, they came to give me 2 strips at 8am, and I said, No, not now.
They kept telling me if I didn’t take it I couldn’t take it til 5pm, but I said, no, its as needed. we argued about this for a little bit until I told them to get the chart and look it up.(this medication is never set up as needed, always set up on a schedule, but mine was not.). so they looked, saw it, but wanted to double check with the Dr. They came back and told me, OK, you don’t have to take it now, but if you don’t take it by noon, you have to wait to the next dose.
I said thats fine, if I don’t need it by noon, I am out of here.

so, I came home yesterday, I was good after 13 hours that morning at 8, and still good when I left at 3pm, 15 hours after the last dose I took at 7pm on Wed. I did take 4mg when I got home at 7pm last night, 24 hours after taking the last one, but I had some at home already, so thats no big deal.
I took one more 4 strip today (yesterday now), and may drop a 2 or 4. each day, for the next day or two after that. But that was the way they set up, a 7 day taper, its not like I am just following some long thing that I just made up. I can be done by Sunday which would be the 7th day, but take way less than what they wanted me to take overall, cuz I can regulate my doses, there it is take it now, and take what we give you, or don’t get it from us again…
Plus, I could not stay in that bed for one more minute no less, one more night.

So, that was my Sandals Caribbean vacation, Photos coming later. NOT.

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Good to have you back Toby!
Sounds like you been to hell and back. You’ve been missed here.
:slightly_smiling_face:

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Yeah, it seems to be my favorite vacation destination, cuz I always seem to end up there.
Thank you

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Yeah, I’m not going to pretend I can relate to or even understand any of that, but it sounds rough. Glad you’re back!

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No reason for you to, I would not want it for anybody, and kind of wish I didn’t know about it either.
Thanks

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That was a great read. Glad you made it through the other side.

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Sounds like you went through hell and back Toby @T_dub. Hopefully all for the better.
Welcome back!

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@T_dub I haven’t read your update yet. I plan to later today when I can give it my full attention. Welcome back!

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Remember this part of one of those crazy stories. I knew going in that they fucked me. I knew when they first told me that was the only thing I could have I was fucked.
Had I been given the right meds, and tapered off, I would have had one, maybe two or three days of feeling a little off, and been done. Period, end of story.
I was already super sick back then, so really, I would have not even noticed.

Its funny, I read thru the one I wrote this morning, and it is pretty easy to read thru and follow, with minimal errors.

I just went back and read all the other posts, beck before I got home, and they are all hard to follow and broken up and misspelled (and I was on the ipad, and auto correct and the fact you get a small window that is hard to really read and keep track of where you are in the story, that is only a small % of why they are like that) and there are just sentences that run no where and some that make no sense. Even I had a hard time trying to figure some of it out, while reading it today.
Plus
I remember I wrote, but half of it I don’t recall even writing, or some of the sarcastic jokes, I don’t even recall thinking, let alone writing.
Thats all how mind fucked that medication had me.
Now, only 12 days later, II can think and read and spell, and get out much clearer thoughts then before.

I did forget to mention how I am now. I had to go and cut off the story a little short for it to be complete, I had a meeting to catch.
I did go thru hell, but I did come out the other side. I actually feel 4000x better. I feel way more than half alive, I went in feeling more than half dead. Don’t get me wrong, I still have issues, mostly with pain and knees and all that, and I still need major knee surgery, probably replacement, but I am walking around 40x better then I was. I literally could not stand up from a chair without extreme pain in my legs, and then, I had to stand still for a while before I could even take a step.
Thats gone.
Seriously, I can stand and go. I don’t have pain getting in and out of bed, I don’t have pain so bad I can’t walk to the front of the apartment complex and back without my knees feeling like they are about to buckle. I can do so much more than before its not even funny. It is as if I just finished doing months and months and months of work to get to how I feel today, compared to how I felt 12 days ago. Months, if not years to see this kind of change., and it happened in less than 2 weeks.

Why

Cuz they gave me Poison. I knew what they were giving me and told them NO. But they know better than me, so they get to decide. If this world were fair, I would be able to put them on what they put me on, and say, DEAL WITH IT FUCKERS.

Thanks for everything guys.

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Good to see you back @T_dub
Good on you for getting through that shit and getting through the other side. Took some mighty big cahoonas to not only do it but then write about it

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Just hope, maybe somebody will read it and it will give them the strength to get thru what they going thru. and it gets it out of my head. I just hope it does not offend too many people.

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Glad to see you back

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Sweet Jeebus!!!

That casual “usually” in that quote kicked me like a mule… I can’t even imagine one of those “trips” and you have done so many you have a “usual” reference :scream:

I am even more grateful now that I have managed to keep a lid on my demons so far…

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Thanks, how are you, did you have that operation already?
Hope all is well.

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Yeah, it’s not as many as that would make it seem, but for the record, one is too many. I do not recommend it for anyone. :wink:

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All is well, thanks for asking. My operation went well and I go in tomorrow to get my wound check done. Most annoying thing is I’m not comfortable with my bass against my belly, where there’s like 6 incisions. I should be back playing this week though.

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thats great news, I am so glad you are doing good, and could get thru it without Pain meds. As uncomfortable as that may be, it is still better than even the most mild withdrawal symptoms you can get after a week on those.

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I have to confess, they gave me Oxycodone but I only took 6 in total, getting by with Tylenol. I was off after the first couple of days.

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Really glad they gave you something.

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Yeah, there is no shame in that.
I have to get either Major knee reconstructive surgery, on Both Knees, or total knee replacement on both knees. I am hoping for total knee replacement.
That would allow me to get by on only tylenol, and walk within the first day or two.
Major reconstructive surgery will be a long, painful recovery, and will most likely require me to take Oxycodone, and that is one of my favorite “Feelings” of all the opiate family, so that is NO GOOD.
I had 5 years clean from 2009 to sometime in 2015, and I had a head / brain injury, and I had to be on Oxycodone for a couple months. I kicked that one pretty easy, with some other RX meds, and it was all ok, but that taste led me to messing around here and there. It was not until 2018 that I ever had a habit, small and short lived as it may be, it was still too much.

Then in 2019 was when I went out bad. And I went out on a mission to not come back. I did more damage to myself in 6 months then I had previously in 27 or so years of hardcore drinking and drub abuse.
But I was a “Functioning Addict / Alcoholic”, so It took me to get very bad and lose everything once to finally stop back in 2009, and it took even more then that to get me to stop this time in 2019.

6 months between May 2019 thru October, and about $80,000 later, (Yeah, I know, thats A LOT OF BASSES AND BASS GEAR"), and looking like a Zombie that was about to die (Zombies don’t die, so thats bad) I Finally checked myself in.
It was Gravy til I got that leg infection and was put Methadone. It is no good at all. It is not a great feeling drug, and it is just keeping you from getting sick, with horrible side effects, worst of all is bad anxiety.
But, if I had reconstructive surgery, I may end up on some painkillers. And I am not going to do anything at that same hospital just to make sure I don’t end up back on Methadone again.

IDK when I am going to have the knees done, I still have 2-3 months of Physical Therapy to do, and a couple more shots in my knees to have before the insurance will approve surgery. But that was my major motivation to get off methadone, and it still is my driving force so I can go out and get all this stuff taken care of over the next couple months, so I can get my knees back.
New knees = Surfing (And Snowboarding in winter), and being able to go up and down stairs, and and stand up with no pain, and just a better all around life worth living. So for me, that is a pretty motivating factor.

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